The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work by John Gottman

Research-based principles to build lasting relationships
Relationships And Communication
Author

John Gottman

Building a Lasting Love: The Foundation of Gottman’s Seven Principles

John Gottman’s “The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work” isn’t just another self-help book; it’s a research-based roadmap for cultivating a strong, enduring marriage. Gottman, a renowned relationship researcher, spent decades studying couples, analyzing their interactions to identify the factors that predict marital success or failure. His book distills this extensive research into seven practical principles, providing couples with the tools and understanding needed to build and maintain a thriving relationship.

Your Love Maps: Knowing Your Partner Deeply

Understanding your partner intimately – their hopes, dreams, fears, and daily experiences – is crucial. This involves actively listening and engaging with their inner world. Gottman calls this “Love Maps,” a detailed mental map of your partner’s life. Regularly updating these maps through open conversations, showing genuine interest, and paying attention to the small details, fosters connection and intimacy.

Neglecting your Love Maps leads to disconnection and a sense of being unknown or unappreciated. Instead, actively seek to understand your partner’s:

  • Current events: What’s happening in their work, hobbies, and social life?
  • Inner world: Their thoughts, feelings, and anxieties.
  • History: Their past experiences and how they’ve shaped them.

Continuously updating your Love Maps shows your partner that you care about them on a deep level.

Nurture Fondness and Admiration: Celebrating Your Partner

Even in challenging times, maintaining a foundation of fondness and admiration is vital. This means actively appreciating your partner’s positive qualities and remembering the reasons you fell in love. Expressing gratitude, sharing positive memories, and acknowledging their strengths creates a positive emotional climate.

This principle isn’t about ignoring problems; it’s about maintaining a positive balance. Remember the good times, actively express admiration, and celebrate each other’s achievements.

Example: Instead of focusing solely on their flaws, appreciate their kindness, humor, or dedication. Regularly reminding each other of your positive feelings strengthens the bond.

Turn Towards Each Other Instead of Away: Responding to Bids for Connection

Throughout the day, partners make “bids” for connection – small requests for attention, affection, or interaction. These bids can be verbal (“Did you see that article?”) or nonverbal (a loving glance). Turning towards these bids – responding positively and engaging – strengthens the relationship. Turning away (ignoring, dismissing, or criticizing) creates distance and resentment.

A simple “yes,” a smile, or a shared laugh can impact your partner’s feelings of being valued and loved. Consciously choose to turn towards your partner’s bids, fostering a sense of connection and mutual support.

Let Your Partner Influence You: Sharing Power and Responsibility

Healthy relationships involve a balance of power and influence. It’s not about one partner dominating the other, but about creating a partnership where both voices are heard and respected. This means being open to compromise, accepting your partner’s perspectives, and collaborating on decisions.

Power imbalance:

graph LR
A[Partner A] --> B(Dominates);
C[Partner B] --> B;
B --> D(Resentment/Conflict);

Shared Power:

graph LR
A[Partner A] -- Compromise --> E(Shared Decision);
B[Partner B] -- Compromise --> E;
E --> F(Harmony/Collaboration);

Solve Your Solvable Problems: Effective Conflict Resolution

Disagreements are inevitable in any relationship. The key is not to avoid conflict, but to manage it constructively. This involves identifying solvable problems (those with a clear solution) and developing effective strategies for resolving them. Learn to listen to your partner’s perspective without interrupting or becoming defensive. Focus on finding mutually acceptable solutions.

Steps to Solve Solvable Problems: 1. Identify the issue. 2. Listen to each other empathetically. 3. Brainstorm solutions together. 4. Compromise and find a solution that works for both.

Overcome Gridlock: Managing Unresolvable Conflicts

Not all conflicts are solvable. Some issues represent deeply held values or beliefs that are unlikely to change. These are “gridlocks.” Managing gridlocks requires understanding each other’s underlying needs and aspirations, even if you disagree on solutions. This involves exploring the dreams and aspirations that fuel the conflict and finding ways to manage the conflict constructively.

Gridlock vs. Solvable Problem:

graph LR
A[Solvable Problem] --> B(Compromise/Solution);
C[Gridlock] --> D(Understanding/Compromise on managing);

Create Shared Meaning: Building a Shared Vision

This involves constructing a shared vision for the future – a sense of purpose and meaning that transcends individual desires. This could involve shared goals, values, or activities that bind you together and provide a sense of shared identity. It might involve raising a family, pursuing a shared hobby, or contributing to a cause you both believe in. This creates a strong sense of unity and reinforces your connection as a couple.

Shared Meaning:

graph LR
A[Individual Goals] --> B(Shared Vision);
C[Individual Values] --> B;
B --> D(Stronger Bond/Shared Purpose);

Actionable Strategies

Gottman’s principles aren’t merely theoretical concepts; they provide actionable strategies for improving your relationship. Some examples include:

  • Schedule regular date nights: Dedicate time for quality time together, free from distractions.
  • Practice active listening: Pay attention, ask clarifying questions, and reflect back what your partner is saying.
  • Express appreciation regularly: Don’t take your partner for granted. Express gratitude for their contributions to the relationship.
  • Learn to manage conflict constructively: Practice empathy, compromise, and finding solutions together.
  • Seek professional help when needed: Don’t hesitate to seek guidance from a therapist or counselor if you’re struggling.
  • Create rituals and traditions: Develop shared routines and celebrations that strengthen your bond.
  • Focus on fondness and admiration: Regularly remind yourselves of the qualities you admire in each other.
  • Keep your Love Maps updated: Continuously learn about and engage with each other’s lives.
  • Turn towards your partner’s bids for connection: Respond positively to your partner’s attempts to connect.
  • Embrace the process: Improving your relationship is an ongoing journey, not a destination.

By diligently applying these principles and strategies, couples can achieve a strong, loving, and enduring relationship based on mutual respect, understanding, and shared meaning. The journey may have its challenges, but with the guidance of Gottman’s research and wisdom, couples are empowered to create a marriage that flourishes over time.